To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
hey, alexa
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Just me?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too