Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
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The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Smells like a challenge to me
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
welcome back
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK