Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
You Might Also Like
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
It do be feeling this way.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members