Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
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With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”