@cray_at_home_ma: Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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@SteveSuckington: "Hi, I'm here for Paradox Club." -Actually this is Oxymoron Club. "Ok, same difference." *looks at group* -Oh, this guy is good.
@Chumpstring: BARTENDER: taste this beer ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can't even BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it ME: hmm... yeah that explains it
@IamEnidColeslaw: the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather's ashes going EVERYWHERE
@withanewname: psychic: "I see... I see kids in your future" me: "but I've had a vasectomy" [9 months later ... me tending a goat farm] "This's bullshit"