“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
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bro what is going on at twitter
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
every college guy’s fridge
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
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If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.