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HEYYYY MACARENA
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.