Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
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[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.