I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
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Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
drew a comic about my origin story
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks