Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
You Might Also Like
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”