@SatansTongue: AlgeBron James is the best mathlete in the league
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@KimmyMonte: If Disney has taught us anything it's that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
@XplodingUnicorn: Teacher: Fill out the parent form. Me: Why? Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble. Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
@dlockw21: Don't give her a Fitbit for Mother's Day. I repeat, don't give her a Fitbit for Mother's Day.