microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
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My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
This was the best day of my life
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
What?!?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok