just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
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*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”