[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.