ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
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If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
shut up and take my money
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.