I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
The honesty is refreshing
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
What?!?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you