“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Travel bloggers during quarantine
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself