Monday again. I just knew this would happen
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My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up