Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
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roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
prepare for carbonated trouble
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Yup!
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.