I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
how was your vacation
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Oops
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!