aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
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exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats