All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
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8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.