All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
You Might Also Like
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto