Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
mechanics be like
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
that colleague who touches your screen
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium