WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
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The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*