All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
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[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out