All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
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The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.