then why did i get this email
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Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor