All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work