“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
You Might Also Like
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.