All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
had to share :’)
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.