[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
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This has made my week.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.