fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
San Francisco has too many rules
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing