I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
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Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
When can I start eating bats again.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
🙁
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.