all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
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Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.