If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
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I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
The days of good grammer has went
I think they could have phrased this better
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My patience has stretch marks.
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Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.