All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”