[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
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Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*