All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
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The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.