All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/