All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
You Might Also Like
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.