My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
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Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
see you in hell you stupid fruit
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.