All is fair in drunk and war.
You Might Also Like
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.