@abhorrent_wife: All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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@DarzieDAMN: It's not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It's just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.
@joeljeffrey: I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
@theshamingofjay: Waiter: how do you want your burger? Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare