All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
You Might Also Like
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Delightful if true: booby trap.