@abhorrent_wife: All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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@AndyAsAdjective: [SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away] [scientist decodes message in the signal] "enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes"
@GregDunbar1: Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
@GrantTanaka: I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
@DanielKostadino: During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.