@abhorrent_wife: All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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@MrSandeepP: Me: Hello, is it me you're looking for? Her: no Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you're looking for?
@Jtweeters: If you love someone, set them free. If they return... something, something, Justin Bieber's a lesbian.
@tastefactory: *tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*