@abhorrent_wife: All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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@Hector_Srsly: #WhenIWasYourAge getting pictures were at least a one hour ordeal that involved other people and a lab
@joejwest: HITMAN: Who's the target? ME: [slides photo across table] HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek? ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
@sploosk: ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
@Ideal_Victoria: Date: Sing me something Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫ *banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”