@abhorrent_wife: All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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@lucidchemistry: I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they'll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
@Fred_Delicious: Waiter, there's a spider in my pie. I thought you had an "award winning chef" *waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
@pleatedjeans: [doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I'M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
@Try2StopME: I wrote to the Bank: "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?"