@GeorgiaBarns: All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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@lifecoachfit: It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: "your turn"
@DothTheDoth: Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
@YoungNobler: Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
@Brentweets: "Fluffy died today" "Oh my god I'm so sorry, was he a cat or dog? "He was a boa constrictor" "Well that made me feel better"