@GeorgiaBarns: All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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@SirEviscerate: *holding huge scissors* I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
@KentWGraham: My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
@Playing_Dad: My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
@PeteBlackburn: Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems. Biden: