All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
is this how new cars are made??
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…