All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
You Might Also Like
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●