*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
You Might Also Like
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.