So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
u spoke cat all this time??????
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
You better watch out
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.