@tinatbh: All my friends look like a Victoria's Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@dave_cactus: ME: Sorry I'm late, I had computer problems. BOSS: Hard drive? ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Weather channel: It's going to get up into the mid-30's this afternoon but it'll still feel like it's in the teens. Me: Literally me.
@One_FineMess: Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.