@tinatbh: All my friends look like a Victoria's Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake
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@boring_as_heck: Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. "I don't know why we didn't think of this before," he said.
@NicestHippo: "You're sure you understand stock trading?" ME: Yep "Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?"
@robfee: Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.
@BetteMidler: Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.