I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Bringing home a sharpie
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy