Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
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ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
How to woo a woman
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER