@TheJamesH1: All my friends say that I'm a psychopath. That's not true, I don't have any friends.
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@juneohara65: "And to my heirs, I will leave all this...." *gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
@iwearaonesie: *kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
@dave_cactus: ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident. HER: Were you hurt? [flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard] ME: So hurt.