All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
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*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
just leave it at the foot of the bed
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.